Time passes, wounds heal, things change. I am adapting…every day feels different, new and fresh. I am working hard on a fresh perspective, because I have lately discovered that no moment is ordinary: nothing is regular, average, standard.
Perhaps my crash and the following weeks of doubt and fear were a blessing in disguise. I learned much about myself during the long days of contemplation and confusion. After dedicating much of my life to one thing, how could I consider leaving it behind because of one little mistake? Not being able to recognize myself in the mirror may have had something to do with it, but the truth is–I was scared. I still am. I cannot stand the thought of another season-ending injury, another tumble through the fence, another broken finger. But I have accepted it. These are just things that happen–risks that I take when I push out of the start, risks that are worth the feeling I get when racing. Besides, the things that have happened in the past are just that–past.
Now I am here in Sölden, sitting on the couch in our apartment, typing away on my computer, enjoying a day off. A day of physical idleness, filled with emptiness. With potential for ideas, quiet, joy and stillness. I am letting my thoughts form into words in order to depart from my head. I am trying to leave the past behind and let the future create itself without worrying about or trying to control it…
Because external occurrences attempt to intrude and influence my mind and disposition–and as I become more aware of how often they accomplish this, I realize how my attitude is constantly affected by things that are beyond my control. I realize how crazy I let silly instances drive me. I begin to see where anger, frustration and fear come from. Understanding this concept is helping me to see more clearly: to know that I have control of my outlook and emotions, to let go, to relax, to breathe. It’s not easy to be carefree–I have to continually step back and consciously remind myself to let go…because nothing is constant, there is no sense in being moved by change.
Maybe the key is in laughter–I am learning to laugh at myself, and not to take things so seriously. Perhaps it is all in the breath. Maybe it’s all garbage. But I do know one thing: everything is changing. Nothing is consistent, steady, or usual. The only thing we can rely and depend on is change–that the things we rely and depend on will change. It’s a strange concept, but I’m starting to become more and more comfortable with it. Once these thoughts are through with me, maybe it won’t drive me crazy. Maybe nothing will drive me crazy, because nothing will stay.
Yeah, maybe I’m the one that’s crazy. Hopefully the craze will eventually be calming and enjoyable. Until then, I’ll continue to ponder these concepts that are becoming my friends. Perhaps I’ll figure out the meaning of life, the key to happiness, the way the world works. Poof!
Perhaps I’ll run around all crazed and naked like a headless chicken wearing a cape and combat boots.